Can’t Get Your Girl With ADHD/AUDHD To Pay Attention To You? Try This Dramatic Trick.
Studies Show Girls With ADHD/AUDHD Have a Hard Time Focusing on Our Words.
It’s no surprise to parents that girls with ADHD and AUDHD struggle to focus attention on anything their brains find boring. And, sorry parents, our instructive voices are rarely electrifying. There is a lot of talk. And, yet the lessons are essential for her to learn and no one else will teach them to her.
So, how do ignored parents attract the attention of girls in a way that helps them focus more intently, remember better, and is emotionally bonding at the same time? Narrative play-acting!
I know. I know, you forgot how to play pretend when parenting made your life get oh so real. But with the few tips I am about to give you, you will have her focus, her memory, and her joy all lite up and directed at you. And, oh what a glorious thing it is when you can make that happen.
What Is Narrative Play Acting?
Narrative play acting is pretend play where participants engage in a scenario and act out different roles and situations. You likely played and learned this way when you were a child. It is a natural way kids learn. And for good reason; it is fun and young brains are built for it until the deluge of adulting activities begins to rewire our brains. Part of its effectiveness for girls with ADHD and AUDHD is that it sidesteps their challenges and taps into their strengths to help them focus and learn. Here is how.
Why Does Narrative Play Acting Work Well For Girls With ADHD/AUDHD?
1. Caputures Attention
ADHD/AUDHD brains are curious and built to notice what is different and alarming in their environment, and so they don’t focus on the mundane. Think about it. Their brains need to tune out the ordinary in order to sense what is subtly extraordinary. And that is their strength. They notice what others don’t. So, no wonder our girls’ brains tune out parents talking about something that is not critical at the moment.
Even more, a recent study found that at age 13 all kids begin to tune out their mother’s voice, and instead, focus on new voices. Parents have always known this experience, but now we know it’s less of a choice and more of a brain function naturally developing to prepare them for independence. That means you will need to resort to new ways to get their attention than using your voice. Their brains pay attention to what is different and narrative play acting is different. Doing something out of the ordinary is exactly what grabs the attention of their brains. And the more out of the ordinary you are being, the more her brain will focus on what you are doing.
2. Strengthens Memory
No matter what we teach them, many girls with ADHD/AUDHD can struggle to encode (learn), store and retrieve that information. That is partly because their attention may not be focused on the content of our words. But, it is also often because of challenges in working memory, the form of memory needed for encoding and storing information to remember. But narrative is a better way to help all kids learn and remember, that is especially beneficial for girls with ADHD/AUDHD. It eases the cognitive load of trying to remember. Here is how.
Many studies have proven that narrative or storytelling is more memorable for everyone than lists or dates or bullet points of information given. This is because it activates more areas of the brain at the same time and gives a structured framework that helps to organize the pieces of data to remember. Lists of verbal or written instructions offer no context to help create associations that anchor the memory.
Even more, narratives lite up the emotional sections of our brain. And, the more emotional the information is, the more easily it is stored and remembered for all brains. We even remember an event that generates a negative emotion more than one that generate a positive emotion. This may be because it is more important for our survival. And we remember stories related to survival the best of all. And, this is likely because we embodied the character and perspective more deeply than other characters.
So, narrative play helps girls remember more and more easily because it is different than the norm, gives a contextual framework, and ignites emotional involvement. And the more you make the storyline be about a negative obstacle that must be overcome, (think feeling of fear, confusion, overwhelm), the better she will remember it.
3. Supports Her Own Processing Style And Speed
Girls with ADHD/AuDHD process information in a more associative style and neurotypicals tend to process in a linear style. This is because ADHD/AuDHD neurons stretch farther across brain regions making associations with knowledge from other areas rather than only connecting with regions close by. This empowers her innovative problem solving. The problem is that children with ADHD/AUDHD are usually given linear instructions and expected to follow that narrow linear style of thinking. Her brain wants answers to many questions along the way.
In narrative play, she can let her associations fly without being shamed that she is annoying everyone. And girls are shamed more often than boys for annoying everyone. And she can process the information in her own style and speed. She can have the character ask questions, shift plot, or riff on an association until she has attaching it to those associations and anchored it in her memory. This means she is more likely to remember what you are teaching her. It also means she will have a broad and deep processing of your lesson.
How To Engage In Narrative Play Acting
1. Keep It Short
Girls with ADHD/AUDHD learn best in short bursts that give them time to process and integrate it into memory. So, have only one critical bit of information you want to convey and be laser focused on that. Your daughter will make many associations as she processes and it is easy to lose track of your own point. So, plan on one point at a time so you don’t become frustrated that she is free associating. Letting her brain do what it does best is part of the objective so she remembers it better.
2. Set the Stage So She Knows What To Expect
First, take on the part of narrator who appears whenever you need to teach a lesson. Explain to the “audience” what the “play will be about.” Then sort out roles. Does your daughter want to pretend to be the girl feeling excluded or pretend to be the oblivious girl who has no idea she is excluding because she is caught up in her own agenda? Or another narrative example, does she want to be the girl whose period pad just started leaking during class or the nurse she finds who helps her? Make sure she knows this is a playful game and you are both going to pretend to be someone else. Eventually, she will know what is happening and you wont need to explain each time. Eventually, she will even look forward to the arrival of the narrator character because it signals fun with you. And if your Autistic girl struggles with knowing what to do or taking perspective in order to pretend, you can feed her the lines.
3. Get Your Silly Going
Think of it like a short skit for just the two of you to see. Try being comically dramatic. Use huge, over the top facial expressions that are harder to misunderstand and ridiculous looking. Drape the back of your hand on your forehead or swoon with panic. Think overacting. Use different tones of voice for different emotions. All this will catch her attention. It will also make her remember it and want to have fun with you.
Here is an example. Let’s take a play about a girl who is not invited to a birthday party. The scene is the birthday girl in her bedroom making the guest list. You can play the parent of the birthday girl and your daughter plays the birthday girl. The parent enters and is fretting with exaggerated hand wringing because they can only invite a limited number of kids to the party. Maybe it is too expensive or the space is too small to invite more. She wishes she could invite everyone, but they can’t. She is pacing and whining. Your daughter plays the birthday girl who has to resolve this problem. You say to her that she has to make such hard choices, but it does not mean she does not like the other kids whom she can’t invite. Ask her how it feels that she can’t have everyone. Ask how she will make the choice. Ask if there are other ways to make the choice. You are drawing out perspective taking and training in flexible thinking. We want her to see that many times others’ behavior is not about her directly, but about things happening for that person and hard choices.
She will internalize and memorize this message and it will come to her thoughts when she next feels hurt by perceived exclusion. Even if you think she may be excluded, it does not help her to feel the shame of rejection. And usually we don’t really know that she was intentionally excluded. So, teach her to let it go by imagining neutral intent unless she knows for certain otherwise.
And in another lesson, teach her not to ask the birthday girl why she was not invited or ask if she was not invited because they don’t have enough money or space. Neurodivergent girls can be very curious and direct. They want to know. But tell her there are very many reasons that could be behind the decision, those reasons are private, and it is impolite to ask.
If, she is struggling to enact a character, you can also use dolls or lovies and you put on a play in both roles. Whatever works best to capture her attention and help her learn flexible thinking is best.
4. Keep It Between You
Be willing to be silly. She might act likes she hates it, but she will secretly love it and love you for it. And, she will remember the lesson better. Just don’t ever do this in front of friends or in public. She must feel safe with you for this to work. So keep this as a special but private way you two play so can learn best. Don’t tell other adults either. Don’t do anything that would embarrass her around this.
Conclusion
Neurodivergent girls struggle to interpret cues and dynamics correctly, and so they need lessons explicitly taught to them. But their brains tune out boring talk making it especially challenging for parents. Narrative play acting is an effective way to convey lessons, especially social lessons that grabs their attention. It is engaging in a way that sparks interest, leads to stronger memorization of content, and makes girls feel validated and connected to you in the process. And, in a world with many parenting challenges, oh what joy to feel like a competent parent building trust with your daughter while having fun. Try it. What is the worst that could happen? You might feel the silliness of being a kid again?
References
Abrams, D. A., Mistry, P. K., Baker, A. E., Padmanabhan, A., Menon, V., (2022). A neurodevelopmental shift in reward circuitry from mother’s to non familial voices in adolescence. Journal of Neuroscience, 42 (20) 4164-4173. https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.2018-21.2022
Begginton, K., MacLeod, C., Ellison, T. M., Fay, N., (2017). The sky is falling: Evidence of a negativity bias in the social transformation of information. Evolution and Human Behavior, 38 (1), 92-101. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1090513816301660
Cook, A. M., Klin, C. M., & Westerman, D. L., (2023). Surviving with story characters: What do we remember? Memory and Cognition, 51, 1303-1316. https://link.springer.com/article/10.3758/s13421-022-01391-2
Kelley, P., Whatson, T., (2013). Making long-term memories in minutes: A spaced learning pattern from memory research in education. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 9. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/257350569_Making_long-term_memories_in_minutes_a_spaced_learning_pattern_from_memory_research_in_education/link/6670470c85a4ee7261caf414/download
Le Cunff, A. (2024) Distractibility and impulsivity in ADHD as an evolutionary mismatch of high trait curiosity. Evolutionary Psychological Science, 10, 282-297. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40806-024-00400-8
Song, H., Finn, E. S., & Rosenberg M. D. (2021). Neural signatures of attentional engagement during narratives and its consequences for event memory. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences USA, 118 (33). https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34385312/
Aaker, J., The Future of Storytelling. (2013). Persuasion and the Power of Story: Jennifer Aaker. [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AL-PAzrpqUQ
